...and every ending is a brand new beginning

Here's the keys to my world

2009-10-26T06:04:00.000+08:00

26th Oct' 2009

"I read your texts that made me smile, but I aint havent for awhile.
I know you're sleeping this time zone, but im still staring at my phone."

ILY!
<3

Jammy

21, the magic number

2009-10-13T09:57:00.003+08:00

Happy b'day young MAN!

"How quickly you have 'blossomed'
Through those tender childhood years
When every single day had moments
Full of joy and tears.

But those nostalgic schooldays,
Which have sped so swiftly by
Have seen you reach TWENTY ONE
All in the blinking of an eye.

So think about your future
Special things to see and do
New faces and new challenges
Just waiting there for you..."

That one's for you, fattay. :) Enjoy this special birthday - feel the love in all you do. Your future remain bright, bro. Your potential remain in the eyes of all who believe in you. Make them proud.

Love,
Jammy

This world keeps spinning faster

2009-09-29T05:35:00.002+08:00

28th September 2009

"Our love's the only truth,
That's why I run to you..."

<3

Jammy

You came along to show that you care

2009-09-26T17:03:00.003+08:00

Currently Listening To : King of Leon - Use Somebody

God’s forgiveness, grace, and mercy never runs out. And once we get that forgiveness means we get our slates wiped clean, that God is sovereign enough to bring good out of our sins and mistakes, then it’s not so difficult to move on and live freely - free from guilt, shame, or self-condemnation.

But if God’s grace doesn’t run out, is it a free pass to keep repeating the cycle of sinning, confessing, being forgiven, and sinning all over again?

Here’s what Paul said about this issue:

“God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant.” (Romans 5:20)

“Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? 2 Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it?” (Romans 6:1-2)

“For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. 11 So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus.” (Romans 6:7,11)

“Well then, since God’s grace has set us free from the law, does that mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! 16 Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living. 17 Thank God! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you wholeheartedly obey this teaching we have given you. 18Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living.” (Romans 6:15-18)

So often we struggle with the same issues, the same sins, over and over again, thinking that we are subject to do so because of the “sinful nature” we have been taught exists within us.

Yes, we do have a sinful nature, but here’s what I think we get wrong. We approach overcoming sin from a perspective where we keep telling ourselves: “I mustn’t do this” or “I musn’t do that”… over and over again. And we try so hard not to give in to temptation but eventually we fall again, because we’re trying to win a battle not of this world with our worldly knowledge and human strength.

But Paul writes: “Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living.”

Here’s a radical thought: Maybe the point is not to try not to sin… Maybe we need to forget about trying not to sin. Because what’s the use if our sinful nature will ultimately win out over human willpower (which is hardly very strong in the first place)?

Maybe the point is to become so completely overtaken by a life of holiness, so that it becomes second nature... while the old way we used to live, which was once second nature to us, becomes alien.

“Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out.” (Romans 12:2)

It’s not something that can be forced or happen over night - it’s a slow, gradual process. Multiple times the Bible talks about the process of being refined to become more and more Christ-like. But refining is never a quick, easy, or painless process. It is slow, long, painstaking.

“I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure. I will refine them like silver and purify them like gold. They will call on my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘These are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’”(Zechariah 13:9)

“He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness.” (Malachi 3:3)

And one of my favorite verses about being refined:

“Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time.” (Daniel 11:35)

Daniel was a revolutionary young person, who understood that God’s ways don’t always make sense to us. So often, we wonder how even respected, godly leaders can fall into sin. We wonder what’s wrong with the world and if God has left our cities, our countries, our planet.

But Daniel’s faith in God was unshakable. He knew there are times God allows people to stumble for purposes we cannot understand. But more importantly he knew that redemption would come at its appointed time.

When we were set free from sin, we were set free from wrestling with the same issues over and over again. Worldly wisdom tells us its impossible to move on and forget the past so easily. And while avoiding/ignoring the problem is not the same thing as being set free from it, when we go back to the Bible, we find that when God changes lives, He does so radically. It’s not a wimpy, unnoticable change - it’s a 180 degree change that is impossible to ignore.

I’ll be wrapping up this post now, so here’s something for you to chew on:

What areas in your life are you unsuccessfully wrestling with in your own strength? And what are you going to do to pursue a life of holiness so that God can slowly burn away at those unwanted areas of your life so that you may be refined?

Jammy

hiiiiii, I'm Maclo. And you are?

2009-09-03T09:04:00.012+08:00

Currently Listening To : Colbie Caillat - I Won't

Embrace the marvelous benefits of being in the digital era! Behold the stunning, powerful, elegant, almighty MacBook Pro!

Fresh (not exactly) from the oven. Looking handsomely cool - yes, it's a HE. His name is Maclo - I faithfully stuck with the name Summer Gan gave to my previous Maclo - and he's ready to rock my world for the next 2-3 years. Owhh, I'm sure he is...

...and you wonder why I love Apple's ads and packaging huh? Simple & elegant. Sheer class!

So, like human, my Maclo deserves to wear cloths. Or rather, some protection from harm's way cos' he's fragile, delicate. With that in mind, I went ahead to do get him some cloths to wear (AND in preparation for the upcoming Fall & Winter weather). Don't you wish you were my kid, too? Haha!

Behold, Maclo's new SEXY skin!

Owhh, I got him some "underwear" too! :D

Am I missing something? Or is he all ready for the cold temperature ahead? Yea, I think he's ready for it. As for me? I'm still contemplating on a much-coveted trench/pea coat. Should I? Should I not? Dilemma....

ANYWAY, there you gooooo! Everyone be nice and kind with Maclo, say "hiiiii" whenever you see him yea? Cheers!

Jammy

I want you all the time

2009-08-28T14:25:00.006+08:00

28th August' 2009

"I just had to call you up and say hello
I know its 3 AM
And I saw you you a while ago
But I still have this aching need to hear your voice
To know your there
I don't seem to have any choice...

...I'm so sorry I just had to wake you up
I feel so lonely by myself
Is this the way you feel when your in love
Or is this something else?

Am I obsessed with you?"

I♥YOU!

Jammy

Embrace it ALL

2009-08-27T23:01:00.006+08:00

Currently Listening To : Hillsong - We The Redeemed

A friend shared with me some thoughts a couple of days back that really struck a chord in me. Thoughts that really resonated because they described so precisely feelings I was and am still familiar with.

“I can no longer carry the future, not even in my imagination. The burden of not-knowing is too heavy for my tired arms.

I can no longer exist for the future, not even in my dreams. I need to live, utterly, in the present moment. I can barely abide, day by day.

My soul is weary of the journey. I am physically and spiritually ailing. It requires all of my effort, and faith, to put one foot in front of the other.

Perhaps someday, if I am lucky, I will look up to find I am further along the path. For now, though, I must walk alone. I must embrace the solitude.”

Haven’t we all been there before? Chasing things that seem to always be beyond our grasp, clinging on to the past or worrying about the future. It leaves you empty, and dry, and weary.

I know. Because I’ve been there before. One too many times. It’s easy to shut the weary desperation out, to mask it with mock enthusiasm and happiness, so that we don’t feel the pain. But when we do that, as we all know, we don’t just stop feeling the pain. We stop feeling anything.

I was at prayer meeting on Sunday morning and a visiting pastor was sharing some thoughts to encourage and challenge us international youth. It struck me how fitting his message was for anyone going through such a season of loneliness and weariness, and I’d like to share some of what he said here for those out there going through such an experience.

“When there is silence from God, we take it as a sign of rejection. We approach our relationship with God based on what we have experienced in our other relationships. Our insecurity about God shows up. It shows that we are not comfortable with God. We are not comfortable with the silence.

We need to embrace the darkness… and let God seek us out. Let Go pursue us. And sooner or later, he will show up.

Sometimes we have to walk the journey through those doubts. Even when we don’t fully believe. That is what brings out substance. That’s what strengthens our faith.”

From a world-ly perspective. Here's one.

Sam: “It’s like in the great stories Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it’s only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it’ll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something even if you were too small to understand why. But I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand, I know now folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding on to something.”

Frodo: “What are we holding onto, Sam?”

Sam: “That there’s some good in the world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.”

-The Lord of the Rings

Jammy

You picked me up when I hit rock bottom

2009-08-25T02:31:00.002+08:00

Currently Listening To : Sara Bareilles : City

I sit here staring blankly at the screen. These thoughts swirling in my head but I can’t seem to get them to flow out of my head through my fingers and onto the screen. So much I’m bursting to say but the words just don’t come. "Don’t press the backspace button. Just keep writing." I silently tell myself. I grit my teeth and force my fingers to keep hitting the keyboard.

My dictionary is exhausted. I’ve run out of words to say. There are only feelings. Longing. Desires. Dreams of you. The words I am typing come out bland and lifeless in comparison to how I feel. What I really want to say.

I can hear them again. Those voices of reason inside my head. They try to persuade me with their reason and logic and sensibility. They whisper to me choices, options, alternatives, easier paths.

But I do not want the easy road. The easy road will never get me to you. I do not want to be logical, or practical. Because then I would never be able to say the things I want to say.

I want to tell you everything. Because nothing I say or do will shock you or faze you. Because you take me the way I am.

Fumbling for words. No make-up on (but you don’t even care) and feeling oh-so ordinary. And you call me awesome.

You take me. Mistakes. Fears. Hopes. Dreams. Secrets. Insecurities. Uncertainty. Tendency to overanalyze things. All of it.

No pretenses. No catch. You take me as I am and can you blame me, really, for wanting to give all of myself in return? But you can’t.

But “oceans of time and space” separate me from you. 8,794 miles. 19 and a half hours. A 5,500 ringgit flight ticket. Still you feel closer than the people I see on a daily basis.

A door slams. My attention is diverted. Those voices remind me of unread e-mails. New updates in my feed readers. Message alerts from my online contacts. Things on my to-do list demanding my attention. Appointments to be scheduled for the week. The clock refuses to stop ticking. I want to pull the plug. Lock my door. Turn my phone off. Turn everything off. I want to see your name pop up on my chat list. I want to to talk to you. Because that’s the closest I’ll ever get to you for a long time to come.

I want to tell you that you’re still the one that fills my thoughts. First thing in the morning when I wake up. Bleary-eyed. Semi-conscious. As I drift off to sleep at night, you’re the last thing on my mind. I think about you in the morning rush to the office, in the slow gloomy crawl back as the sun sets, in queues, during those lunch breaks I spend alone.

I want to tell you that I don’t know how it’s going to work out or how it makes any sense but I’m still holding out for you. Wishing for you. Wishing on you.

I don’t care that it doesn’t make sense. I don’t care that I don’t know all the answers. I don’t care that I don’t see how this will work out. Because as long as there still is the tiniest possibility, the slightest chance, the faintest glimmer of hope, I’m going to keep holding on. For as long as it takes.

Because it’s not everyday I come across someone who accepts me so simply and unselfishly the way I am. Because you’re worth it. Because you’ve captured my heart and I want to give everything in return. All in. 100%. Nothing less. On good days and bad days. On days when the conversation goes on and on. On days we have nothing to say to each other.

You asked me if I prefer the reality that greets me every day when I see a beautiful sunrise or a rain shower… or the fantasy of some “impossible” future. And the truth is, as beautiful as my present can be, it’s not as beautiful as it can be when there’s someone to share it with. I don’t believe I’m holding out for an impossible future - just one that I can’t see the details of clearly yet. I don’t believe in fantasy - but I’m hoping for a reality that has you in it. To share in not only the beautiful parts but the difficult ones as well.

See this isn’t just about passion. This isn’t just about emotions. If I wanted the thrill, the excitement, I’d be looking somewhere else.

So many different paths I could take. So many choices. Alternatives. But my heart is set on just one. One that gives me something to hope for, something to work towards, something to give everything of myself into, something seemingly “impossible”, something bigger than myself, something to learn from, something to trust in, something to believe in.

Jammy

Teaser on the big day

2009-08-25T00:28:00.004+08:00

Currently Listening To : Kate Nash - Merry Happy

So, I got tagged in what's called a "random wedding plan" by my beloved cousin, SeanyHorny and he specifically wrote at the bottom of the page that he's "curious" about my wedding plans. Well, seeing that I haven't been doing one of these tags for a LONG time now, plus, I'm pretty much free and bored to the core, I'll just go ahead and make some people happy despite my uncertainty to majority of the questions.

So, enjoy folks.

1. how old are you?
19.

2. are you single?
Yes, but not available.

3. at what age do you think you'll get married?
Never really thought about this. But whenever I get my first million. Soon? ;)

4. do you think you'll marry the person you are with now?
Think? I know!

5. if not, who do you want to marry?
It's her or no one else yo. I'll be a bachelor if not. Not even kidding.

6. who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
Juss
Sean
Julian

7. do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
Garden in a private island.

8. where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
ROME! :) A Europe escapade sounds appealing to me.

9. how many guests do you think you'll invite?
Only close relative and friends.

10. will that include your exes?
Yeap, I've got no issue with exes.

11. how many layers of cake do you want?
I would prefer to have something more unique apart from a cake actually.

12. when do you want to get married, morning or evening?
Morning.

13. name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
"This I Promise You" by N Sync
"Thank You" by Keith Urban
"Beautiful In My Eyes" by Joshua Kadison
"And I Love Her" by The Beatles

14. do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon&fork?knife?
Fine dining.

15. champagne or red wine?
A lil' bit of both to cater for all.

16. honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
I'll leave right after. I deserve that break.

17. money or household items?
Money will do. I'm picky with household items and what's what.

18. how many kids would you like to have?
As many as the wife is willing to bare.

19. will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
Sure will. I'll have a team of photogs for the entire gig.

20. whose wedding plan would you like to know next.
I'll mind my own business on this.

Well, there you have it! A very brief, yet informative I would presume. Of course, things do change over time as we continue to grow so, don't expect all of the above to happen come wedding day.

Till then, feel free to tag yourself if you wanna share a lil' bit of what your wedding might be.

Jammy

Rhythm

2009-08-23T13:03:00.000+08:00

Currently Listening To : Regina Spektor - It Kills Me

I've been wondering about YouTube all day during work and I stumbled across some of the most amazing videos I never knew, existed, if I didn't take the time to just sit back and "chill" for once. So, taking the advise to "chill" from a very good friend, I stumbled across one of Rob Bell's Nooma videos. ...and guess what? I was touched.

As a realist, I really like how he began the video. The way he describe God in the most worldy perspective.

This is transcribe from the video.

God is beyond anything our minds can comprehend. What’s it mean to have a personal relationship with this kind of God? It’s hard to get your mind around.

Now, I believe God listens and God cares and God’s involved, but I find the whole relationship idea hard to comprehend. Loving this kind of God – what does it look like? What does it mean? And how do you do it?

When I think of God I hear a song. It’s a song that moves me.

It has a melody, it has a groove, it has a certain rhythm.

And people have heard this song for thousands and thousands of years, across continents and cutltures and time periods. They found it captivating and they’ve wanted to hear more. And then there’ve always been people who say that there is no song, who deny the music. But the song keeps playing.

And so Jesus came to show us how to live in tune with the song. This is not about one religion being better than another religion. The last thing Jesus came to do is start a new religion.

He came to show us reality at its most raw. He came to show us how things are. Jesus is like God, taking on flesh and blood. And so in his generosity and his compassion, that’s what God’s like. In his telling of the truth, that’s what God’s like. In his love and forgiveness and sacrifice, that’s what God’s like.

That’s who God is. That’s how the song goes.

The song is played all around us all the time. It’s playing everywhere. It’s written on our hearts. And everyone is playing it.

See, the question is not whether or not you’re playing the song. The question is: Are you in tune?

In the book of Acts, it says that God gives us life and breath and everything else. God is generous. So when I’m selfish and stingy and refuse to give, I’m out of tune with the song.

Later, in one of John’s letters, he says that God is love. Unrestrained, unconditional love. So when you see somebody sacrifice themselves for another, for the well-being of somebody else, it’s like they’re playing in the right key. That’s why it’s so inspiring. They’re playing in the right key.

Some people know all sorts of stuff about music. They know stuff about pitch and modes and keys and instruments and they can hear stuff other people don’t. But it’s also possible to get so caught up so the technical aspects of the song that you miss the simple, pure enjoyment of the song.

There are people who talk as if they know everything about being a Christian and yet they can seem way out of tune.

There are others who would say they don’t know much at all about the Christian faith and yet they can seem very in tune with the song.

I know some people who struggle with what it means to have a relationship with God, but they haven’t lost faith and love and hope and truth and compassion and justice and generosity.

An infinite, invisible, massive God – that’s hard to get our minds around. But truth, love, grace, mercy, justice, compassion – the way that Jesus lived – I can see that. I can understand that. I can relate to that. I can play that song.

Thoughts?

Jammy

Chances, opportunity awaits

2009-08-22T22:12:00.001+08:00

Currently Listening To : Obadiah Parker - Hey Ya

We’ve all been there - coming so close to happiness, so close to the one shot at having the one thing you’ve always wanted or dreamed of. And just when you’ve come so close, it slips through your fingers. When that happens, it’s so easy to feel cheated by life, to feel disappointed that things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to… to feel like sometimes it’s just not fair.

The last few days were spent questioning and wondering… if I did the right thing… if I made a mistake… if I let myself get caught up in moments but when the rush of hormones died down, so did the feelings… if I went too fast… if I should have kept quiet. Because from where I’m standing right now, I don’t know what to think. From where I’m standing, I find myself second-guessing everything… every chance I took… every moment I stole… every promise I made… wondering if I should have… and if it was worth it…

Then my playlist starts playing “Magic”… and I’m brought back to a different place from where I’m standing now. To a place where it doesn’t seem so confusing… to a place where it’s easy and uncomplicated. To sweet, tender, hesitant kisses, to quiet moments alone, to gentle caresses, to soft-spoken words. And then I realize that no matter where I may choose to go from here - it was worth if - if not for where I am right now, then for all those ‘magic’ moments.

Because it’s in all these little moments that I find hope. Hope that the impossible love I’ve always dreamed of but hardly dare to hope for is out there waiting for me to grasp it. Maybe I’ll find it with her. Or maybe we might not find our way back to each other once we travel the separate paths we’re meant to take. Maybe I’ll find it with someone else.

That’s life - full of maybes… full of chances to find happiness. I don’t think it’s something we just get one shot at - I think that wherever we may go and however we may change, we still get another chance. Sometimes it feels like our last chance is gone, our one shot at happiness blown to pieces. Like we’ll never ever find that kind of love again. But it doesn’t mean another chance doesn’t exist, just maybe sometimes we’re afraid to look for it, because we don’t want to get burned again.

It’s scary living by taking chances and risks - but isn’t that what love is all about in the first place? Risking everything on the notion that there’s a chance that there could be something better than the way things are now? And isn’t love what gives our fleeting lives that deeper meaning? Isn’t living, then, based on taking a string of chances over and over again?

And even when we look and can’t seem to find another chance in those times where we feel like we’ve lost it all… maybe we still have the chance for hope. The chance to taste a glimpse of what could be… as long we keep hoping, with our eyes wide open to all the chances life brings our way. And sometimes, like today, hope’s enough to keep me going till she find her way back to me again.

Jammy

The Big City

2009-08-21T10:28:00.004+08:00

Currently Listening To : Nevershoutnever! - Big City Dreams

"In about one year you'll have it all figured out
These big city dream are what you're about "

Big City Dreams, Nevershoutnever!

I live in the big city, the capital of my country, a city which ranks among the top cities in the world with the worst traffic. We are still considered a developing third-world country, but in the big city, we have all the advancements in technology and infrastructure. We have the skyscrapers, highways, flyovers, drive-thrus, automated parking machines, a railway system, huge malls, and the constant headache of crawling, bumper-to-bumper traffic.

I live in the big city, a city which never sleeps, a city that’s a melting pot of culture and languages, with people from around the world coexisting in the same space. There’s McDonald’s, Burger King, Subway, and Starbucks across the road from a Chinese restaurant, an Indian restaurant, and a Middle Eastern restaurant. There’s Coach, Debenhams, Marks & Spencers, and Robinsons in the same building as Carrefour and Isetan, across the road from a local sundry shop.

I live in the big city, where people are always in a rush, where people and agencies exploit the charitable and run syndicates posing as charity organizations, where road rage is as common as beggars without arms and legs, where pollution and haze and post-consumer waste is always a problem. Where people wait for ages in queues for trains, buses, and at the supermarket check-out. Where people are wary, suspicious, and don’t talk to strangers. Where those on the fringe of mainstream society seek alternative ways to express themselves, through grafitti and indie gigs and eclectic theater houses. Where practically everyone smokes, drinks coffee, and is constantly sleep-deprived.

I live in the big city, a place I’ve lived in all my life. I am through and through a city kid, born and bred in the big city. Although I should be bored, tired, and weary of the sprawling urban jungle, cynical, jaded, and disillusioned by it, I am not. Although all the noise and traffic and haze and crime may exist in the city, they do so along with a stunning, gripping “urban tenacity”, and signs of culture, art, creativity, and self-expression that are all around if we just open our eyes and look.

Yes, the city can be cold, lonely, harsh, and heartless… but it can also be beautiful, exciting, captivating, seductive. The fast pace of life does not necessarily have to detract from other important things - personal time, connection with other human beings - but it can serve instead to help us value such things all the more, and fight harder to preserve it.

The city never sleeps, is always busy and crowded. We’re surrounded by people and opportunities for human connection. All we need to do is reach out for it, but we don’t, and we write the city off as a lonely place. But it’s only what we choose to make of it, what we choose to see it as.

I see the city as full of life - a place to explore, to discover myself… a place to fall in love. To fall in love with a smile from a stranger, a random text message, a sunset framed by skyscrapers, strains of jazz at night, the chaos of the morning market, the first sounds of the coffee grinder as a coffeehouse opens for the day, and quaint, old-fashioned cafes in brand-new business squares. I find connection in a smile, in meeting someone I met online, in a stranger who has read the book I’m reading, in an unexpected hug… not nearly as often as I’d like to but it keeps me from taking connection for granted. It keeps me searching and hungering for that connection and drives me to seek it in God as well.

The pace of city life keeps me on my toes constantly and never lets me grow content and complacent. City life is never perfect, but that, to me, is the beauty of the city. It keeps me alive, breathing, feeling life, art, energy pulsing through my veins in spite of its imperfections and flaws.

McJammy ~~~~out!

Love Gushing In

2009-08-20T11:09:00.003+08:00

Currently Listening To : Leann Rimes ft. Brian Mcfadden - Everybody's Someone

I can’t remember the day it began but for the past month of so, I began listening to my heart again. I began giving myself permission to think, feel, and say things I normally wouldn’t have. I gave the Child inside of me back its voice, and I listened to what it was saying. The Child inside made me want to dream, laugh, cry, play, explore, question everything. There was another side of me that didn’t want to hear what the Child was saying, didn’t want to lose control of this controlled, composed person it had built me up to be. And so I struggled within myself – both the Child and the other side of me at two opposite ends; one wanting me to surrender control and find true freedom, the other wanting me to grasp for control to avoid disappointment.

But the Child had been given it’s voice back, and it would not keep quiet. The Child’s voice stirred up again hidden dreams, deep desires locked away so tightly I’d forgotten they were still there. The Child called, screamed, cried, beckoned, and I was drawn to its voice. I wanted to obey it, I wanted to rebel against the way I’d been living my life before this – scared and afraid. I once listened to the Child and let it tell me what it wanted to, but like so many people, I allowed the voices of the other side of me and society to drown the Child out. I was tired of living the same way, of trying to conform to what I thought I should be and what others expected of me. The Child spoke of new adventures and strange, foreign places, and made me thirst for something fresh.

The Child spoke, and I listened. I listened to my heart. I listened to the Child inside my heart. And slowly, refreshing gusts of wind began to stir up the dust and cobwebs gathering in my heart; it began to stir up the bitterness, hatred, pain, and anger that I’d let pile up in the attic of my heart. Then, suddenly, the wind picked up speed, and began to toss and throw everything about. It blew and raged, with such force and fury that could not have been held back by then even if I had listened to the other side of me that wanted me to stay in control. There was no stopping it anymore.

Then, as quickly as it came, the raging wind quelled, and there was silence. I couldn’t hear the voice of the other side of me anymore. And I didn’t care about the voices of society. When the dust had settled, there was no more bitterness, hatred, and resentment left. It had been all blown away, leaving an empty space where dust and cobwebs had once collected. Enough space for love to come in. And it did. It trickled in, a few drops at first, and I was hesitant, because I knew once I let love flood in, it would engulf me and drown me and I would lose all control. But I kept listening to the voice of the Child, and it told me to surrender. I did, and those rivers of love would not be held back any longer. All those rivers held behind floodgates for so long gathered up all their force and energy, and the dam broke. Love, undefined, unrestrained, unquestioned, unchecked, came rushing in, filling up every corner of my heart that had once been dry. It tore its way through my heart with all the desire of a person separated from a lover for many nights. My heart ached, and leaped; I laughed, and wept.

My heart began to sing again the song of love it had once sang. It made no difference how long ago the first song had been, how much bitterness and dust had gathered since then. It sang as if it was the very first time it were singing. It was a song that grew louder and louder, and more complex, and more beautiful. More and more voices joined its song; it was as if all of heaven heard the song and all the angels sang along with it.

When my heart had sang all it needed to, for the moment, there was no need for anything else but silence – quiet, reflective, awed, reverent silence. I closed my eyes and sent a silent prayer to the heavens - to a God I had come so close to doubting, to turning my back on – because love had once again flooded my life.

And the Child inside smiled.

McJammy ~~~~out!

Life is Good

2009-08-15T12:04:00.006+08:00

Currently Listening To : Flo Rida - Be With You

"Whatever we're looking for is what we will see." -Wayne Cordeiro, Attitudes that Attract Success

Life. It's all about perspective. If we believe the world is a twisted, evil place, we're going to look for more reasons to point out why it is so. And we are going to find it, if that's what we're looking for. All we'll see is the heartbreak. The wars. Killing. Anguish. Divorces. Famine. Despair.

But those who look for the good things in life - in spite of (not in blissful ignorance of) the brokenness of this fallen world - who look for hope, joy, peace, faith... That's exactly what they'll find.

This is not to say that we should only look at the bright side of life and think about ice-cream and ponies and rainbows all the time because the fact is that no matter how we see things, we ARE going to face problems ad obstacles and struggles.

I think the vital difference is that we have the CHOICE. To see beyond the pain, the struggles, the heartache, the mistakes... and see a work in progress. Something imperfect and broken,but something in the process of being restored and that will one day be completely perfected. Something in the midst of change. Something to learn a lesson from.

A friend of mine once said: "This life is so beautiful. So difficult, but so beautiful. But life is what we make it."

How we see things, it's always a choice. It's the most important choice because how we see things will affect everything we do. I want to see beyond the brokenness and see the hope. With eyes washed in wonder.

“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.” -Vaclav Havel

McJammy ~~~~out!

I'm in

2009-08-14T02:17:00.003+08:00

Currently Listening To : Keith Urban - Why It Feel So Long?

The porcupine is a hard creature to get to know.

It is covered with as many as 30,000 sharp quills with barbed ends. If a porcupine is approached by a would-be predator or any other creature viewed as a threat, the porcupine will turn its back to the animal, raise its quills, and lash out at the threat with its tail.

If the quills hit the animal, it will become embedded in its flesh, and body heat makes the barbs expand, causing the quills to become even more deeply embedded in the flesh, which will cause serious damage if pulled out, or can even be fatal if vital organs are hit.

The porcupine is by nature not an aggressive animal, and only attacks when threatened. But when it is threatened, what a poisonous, dangerous creature with so much potential to hurt and wound others that may hurt it. But then a porcupine needs its defense mechanism, because underneath the sharp quills is a soft body that would be an easy target for attackers.

So in order to protect itself from being hurt, the porcupine hurts others.

Incidentally, the porcupine is a solitary creature, only interacting with other porcupines to mate or occasionally to hibernate. The rest of the year, it lives alone.

As much as one side of me tells me that it’s so much easier that way, another side of me thinks: “I want to dare to risk being hurt. I want myself to matter to someone other than myself. I don’t want my actions to be driven by the fear of getting hurt.”

As much as its easier to defend myself with these sharp quills of sarcasm I’ve grown with bigger and sharper barbs over the years, the truth is, deep down, inside this soft, fragile body,

I don’t want to be a porcupine. :|

McJammy ~~~~out!

My Haven On Earth

2009-08-10T22:56:00.004+08:00

Currently Listening To : The Fray - You Found Me

I'm living deliberately.

No more second-guessing. No more doubt. No more fear. No more uncertainty.

I'm leaving the past behind and I'm not looking back.

I don't care what They say anymore. It doesn't change how I feel. I'm done with letting the opinions of others matter so much to me.

I don't have to prove myself to anyone anymore, because only One matters.

Only one matters, and because of the faith One person has in me, I am secure in who I am. No more running from myself or trying to become someone else. I am fully known, accepted, loved.

I am loved and I love, because it is the only natural thing to do. Nobody else, nothing else matters because of the love I am confronted with every single day.

I am making a conscious effort to love in the way I have been shown. Unabashed, undeserved, unrestrained, uncompromising love. Complete, unhindered, total devotion.

I'm living deliberately. No compromises.

I'm stepping out of the shadows and into the light.

...my life belongs to You forever 'cos You have have set my heart on fire.

McJammy ~~~~out!

Tweeeet! :)

2009-08-08T01:22:00.006+08:00

Currently Listening To : My Favorite Highway - Entertain The Pain

Twitter started out as a project in 2006 (has it really been around that long already?) but it seems that only recently have people begun to take the social media service seriously. No longer the domain of the uber-nerd and perpetually plugged-in geek, Twitter has been embraced by the masses and is now being hailed as a force that is not only changing but also shaping and defining today's online media landscape.

Twitter started out as a simple concept, based on the question: "What are you doing now?" But its users have harnessed and exploited the system to do things its creators probably never imagined. It's more than a networking tool to update people on your movements and activities. It's fast becoming a tool for advertising, marketing, research, feedback, and information gathering, among others.

Twitter in everyday life
If you fall into the demographic group of tertiary student/young working adult, chances are you would have started seeing the influence of Twitter in your everyday life. I was having lunch with Yu today and he was talking about how he's been using Twitter to gain consumer feedback - all he needs to do is post up a simple question as a tweet, and in a couple of minutes people are tweeting their responses back. It's market research - quick, easy, and inexpensive. He mentioned that people are even using Twitter to provide instant, real-time traffic updates from wherever they are via their mobile phones. Some of my Talon journalism friend's favorite topics to discuss include how social media and crowdsourcing are changing the face of modern journalism, as well as how Twitter provides a platform for journalists to communicate with their readers. And how can we forget the tweeting celebrities? Details of their lives revealed via Twitter are becoming common lunch conversation topics among my group of college friends.

How I use Twitter
Twitter is my antidote to the bad habit of posting one line or one paragraph blog posts, or multiple brief blog posts per day. It's the perfect solution when there's something I want to share and it can be summed up in one line, or in a link to somewhere else. It's great for sharing discoveries I've made, whether it's a new book or a bargain deal at the mall. Of course, it works vice versa as well. I've discovered many useful and interesting articles and websites from people I follow.

When it comes to my personal life, I find that it's easier to start conversations (with friends who use Twitter) while at the same time, avoiding the cliched "So what's been going on in your life?" line. With Twitter, although I may not have called them or met up with them during the week, I can jump straight to "So how did the interview for your visa application go?"

I was just talking to Levi the other day and he said the following:

“When I post a tweet, my Facebook status is automatically updated, displaying my tweet. When I post a new entry, link, picture, quote, or video to my Tumblelog, a summary version is also automatically posted as a new tweet, and consequently on my Facebook profile as well. This keeps those Facebook contacts who are not yet on Twitter or who are still catching on to incorporating Twitter into their everyday routine from missing out on the updates. Also, this saves my contacts the trouble of constantly checking my Tumblelog to see if there are updates because when there are, it will appear in their Facebook or Twitter feed.”

Owh, the wonder of Twitter…

More ways to use Twitter
Maki of Dosh Dosh has written a very informative post listing 17 ways to use Twitter. For those new to the world of tweeting, you'll definitely want to check it out. For those who don't mind slightly heavier reading, Time has published a more in-depth article on 10 ways Twitter will change American business, in addition to another article on how churchgoers are using Twitter for a more engaging worship experience.

Now, out of curiosity, how do YOU use Twitter? Or do you think that tweeting is just another trend that will pass once the hype has worn off?

All the above are just a few examples of how Twitter is becoming very much a part of our daily lives. There is no doubt about it - Twitter is changing the world and the way we interact with one another online.

McJammy ~~~~out!

Bye

2009-08-03T04:27:00.005+08:00

Currently Listening To: Shania Twain - I'm Gonna Getcha Good

Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

People always say that goodbyes are difficult. But somehow saying goodbye this time is not so hard. I’m not sad, and I don’t regret anything that happened between us. It’s just that this doesn’t feel like the end, and I know you feel it too. Maybe goodbye doesn’t have to mean the end of the story, just the end of a chapter. But maybe that has to happen so another chapter can begin.

You and I both know that we need to find ourselves first before we’ll ever find ‘us’… and that if we are really meant to be then we’ll find our way back to each other after we’ve journeyed the separate roads we’re meant to take first. I don’t want to skip all the pages in between just to get to the ending. I want to live out every chapter of my life, even if it means some of them have to be spent apart from the person I love, and I want the same for you. Wherever we both go, whatever we end up doing, we each have our own stories to write.

So I’m saying goodbye because I want you to be free to write out your own story as much as I want to be free to write mine. And it’s not difficult doing this at all, because this goodbye is not the end, it’s the beginning of another chapter.

I love you, hun. I’ll see you on the other side.

McJammy ~~~~out!

Make It Better

2009-08-02T12:15:00.002+08:00

Currently Listening To : Jay Sean ft. Lil' Wayne - Down

Today is August.

The start of a new month, for all of us.
A new college semester, for some of us
And a new phase in life, for me.

I'll be re-entering the 8-6, regular Monday to Friday routine, and I've had the opportunity to take stock over the weekend and prepare myself for the new season / leg of the journey to come.

I don't know about you, but I love new beginnings. It's another chance to start afresh. To put the past behind. To strive to be the best I can be. I look forward to these new phases with excitement, but also with the realization that to keep on growing I must continue to challenge myself.

This time around, I've been especially challenged in the area of decision-making. Decision-making is something we do all the time, every day, in every situation. Decisions make us or break us. Yet sometimes, I give so little thought to the decisions I am constantly making.

So, how does a growth chart sounds like?

McJammy ~~~~out!

I miss you

2009-08-01T17:58:00.003+08:00

Currently Listening To : Lenka - The Show

Love. Such a simple little word but it's been used, misused, abused, analyzed, misunderstood, written about... perhaps more than any other word in the English language. What is it about this thing that has such a profound impact on our lives? I don't claim to know a lot about love - I'm far from understanding it... but I can probably say that I've experienced it. So here's a couple of thoughts from the mind of yours truly. :)

Someday ago, you told me you don’t regret a thing. You told me although you don’t regret anything… it doesn’t keep you from missing what we once had. It’s the same with me. I’ve stopped wishing I could make this feeling go away… wishing I didn’t have to miss so many things.

Yes, I miss having someone there to tell me I’m awesome, someone to fall asleep next to on rainy days, someone to hug when I need one, someone to hold my hand and tell me everything’s going to be okay. But I’ve come to realize that I’d rather not have all those things and miss the memory of them… than to have all those things and take them for granted.

It’s funny how human nature works. We want what we can’t get. And the things that come easy we just can’t seem to appreciate. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”, and “Familiarity breeds contempt”, so the cliched lines go. It’s true, isn’t it? We find ourselves in relationships that seem to everyone else to be close to perfect… and then we realize that our hearts are just not in it. We chase after the unfamiliar and exciting… and then when we finally manage to get hold of what we’ve been chasing, we find that it’s not so exciting anymore.

I’ve been down so many roads and chased after so many different things but the more I experience, the more I realize one thing: the heart is a stubborn, unpredictable thing. It wants to go places it shouldn’t, and sometimes leads us down dark and winding roads.

Maybe it’s only human to want the unattainable. Maybe passion, desire, romance… stems from unfulfilled longing. Maybe love is not supposed to be comfortable. Maybe we kill love when we settle into routines of comfort and convenience, when we try to fit love into a box, when we try to define what we think it should look like according to the world’s standards.

I’ll take it even futher: Maybe love is not about always being there for the other person, or having someone to depend on. Maybe love is supposed to inspire us to be stronger and better individuals.

Maybe love isn’t about compromise. Or stability. Or practicality. Maybe all the above is what we have been conditioned to think is necessary for a healthy relationship. Maybe that’s why we have such perfect relationships on the surface but deep down, our hearts refuse to be satisfied. Or worse, we ignore our hearts and numb ourselves to the point where although we feel no longing, we also feel nothing else.

Maybe the only way to make love last the distance is to allow ourselves to be caught up in it. Maybe we need to stop trying to be perfect wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends… and just be lovers. Lovers who don’t settle for anything less than their heart’s desire. Lovers who understand that sometimes, you need to let something go in order to find it again and make it your own. Lovers who know you can’t control love, only experience it. Lovers who understand that relationships are meant to ebb and flow… and that love is meant to grow and change with time. Who know that it’s those lonely nights and unmet desires that only serve to fan the flames of love into a bright, blazing fire that cannot be doused.

Today, you reminded me of what I miss. I’m thankful that I will have those memories to hold on to, because they remind me what we’re made of. Hearts that can be so fragile and delicate, but it’s in their vulnerability that they prove to be so strong, so wild, so passionate.

I’m thankful I can feel all these things… because it means my heart still has what it takes to leap at fiery red sunsets, to ache during slow sad songs, to fall in love so crazily and deeply and madly as if it were my first time, and to love so fiercely as if it were going to be my last.

I love you.

McJammy ~~~~out!

Superman in the making

2009-07-27T19:00:00.003+08:00

Currently Listening To : Five For Fighting - Chances

“A boy is a magical creature you can lock him out of your workshop, but you can’t lock him out of your heart. You can get him out of your study, but you can’t get him out of your mind.”

“Boys are found everywhere-on top of, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls hate them, older sisters and brothers tolerate them, adults ignore them and Heaven protects them. A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair and the Hope of the future with a frog in its pocket.”

“A little girl can be sweeter (and badder) oftener than anyone else in the world. She can jitter around, and stomp, and make funny noises that frazzle your nerves, yet just when you open your mouth she stands there demure with that special look in her eyes. A girl is Innocence playing in the mud, Beauty standing on its head, and Motherhood dragging a doll by the foot.”

-Alan M. Beck

Before boys grow up and become men, or whatever society dictates that men should be. Before they become cynical and proud and self-sufficient. Before their enormous egos blind them to their weaknesses. Men are so often so cold and hard. Battered by the worries of life. Love lost. A family to feed. Dreams crushed. I don’t blame them. But once they become men, it’s so hard to see the potential that was once in that boy. It’s so easy to see absent fathers. Alcoholics. Men who seek fulfillment in one-night stands. In secret mistresses. In brothels and bars. It’s so easy so see egomanical bosses. Wife-abusers. Men stuck in their mid-life crises.

But boys. Boys are something different.

As they run around with their sticks pretending that they’re guns, as they unselfishly try to help their mummies in whatever ways their little hands can, as they draw stick figures of the stories that play in their heads, as they get lost in childhood stories of adventure and fantasy… it’s hard not to see so much potential in them. It’s hard not to see your next leader. Your next successful businessman. Your next loving father and husband.

It’s so easy to see that, because before the world rains its harsh blows down on him, every little boy truly believes he can be the hero. That he can save the world. And if he comes from a decent home, he is – if not to anyone else, a little hero to his mother.

So what happens along the way? I don’t know. But somewhere along the way, potential has been lost and in its place, so often we find mediocrity.

If ever I have sons, I would not ever want to see them lose that potential. That curiosity about the world around them and that burning hunger for exploration and adventure. I would not want them to grow up and have the world tell them they are things that they’re not. I would pray they never become one of those boys who pick on other people and put lies in their heads. I would tell them that the ones who pick on them are just cowards, and the words they say are nothing but lies. I would pray that God would keep them from the evil that lurks in this world that seeks to rob them of their innocence.

I would hug them when they cry, laugh with them when they laugh, celebrate the little milestones they achieve on that long and painful journey to manhood. I would give them the freedom to explore and become all that they can be while praying they make the right choices along the way. I would pray that my sons will grow up to become strong, honest, and courageous men in a time when men are so often accused of being weak, corrupt, and fearful. Most of all, I would want them to believe that they can be and they ARE heroes in their own right. Because to me that’s all they’ll ever be.

As for all the little men in my life, including my younger brothers and the other boys-turning-into-men, I will always remember them as they are now. The dreams and the goals. To be artists. Doctors. Photographers. And so on. I will remember them as they are now because I see that potential blazing through. I pray they will never let the world douse that passion or lose it along the way.

McJammy ~~~~out!

My Better Half

2009-07-26T15:17:00.005+08:00

26th July 2009

"...I was scared to love again,
till the day that you came when she walked out of my life
I got hurt so bad I swear I'd never let another inside this heart of mine.
But you touch my hand and every plan that I had disappeared like a fallen star.
There's a new beginning and I'm moving to the rhythm of a beating braver heart.
A braver heart..."

ILY!
<3

McJammy ~~~~out!

Dream

2009-07-24T18:08:00.002+08:00

Currently Listening To : The Beattles - Hey Jude

Someone once said, “Life is never easy for those who dream.”

And I understand why.

Because dreaming is scary. Dreaming takes risks. To dream outside of what you know, to dream of what you have not seen, to place all your hopes and expectations on something that could or could not turn out the way you expect it to – requires great courage and daring.

Because it’s so much easier to expect the least so at least we’ll never be disappointed. Because it’s so much easier to be mediocre and be average so our efforts won’t be wasted if things don’t turn out they way we want them to.

“To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed.” ~Bernard Edmonds

“The supreme object of life is to live. Few people live. It is true life only to realize one’s own perfection, to make one’s every dream a reality.” ~Oscar Wilde

“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” ~James Dean

“I shut my eyes in order to see.” ~Paul Gauguin

“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” ~Albert Einstein

I don’t want a safe life.
I want to know what it’s like to risk everything for something.
I want to dream.

McJammy ~~~~out!

It hurts

2009-07-16T02:37:00.008+08:00

"I hate the idea that I can't be honest about how I feel about things because it's going to piss somebody off who feels differently. That seems preposterous to me."

-Katherine Heigl

Let's be real,
You're only needed whenever you're:
happy, good, successful, dependable, etc...
Anything that's positive.

Otherwise,
you're as worthless as a speck of dirt in this world.

The world simply hates the truth.
Honesty is a sin.
Why?
Plain simple,
The truth freaking hurts.
The world prefer lies.
Cause it feels much better.
Owh! ...and less real.

I know,
I find it hard to believe myself.
It's a sadistic world we're living in alright.
Time for a reality check?

WWJD?

McJammy ~~~~out!

Take a leap of faith with me

2009-07-14T20:51:00.005+08:00

Currently Listening To : Michael Bublé - Save The Last Dance For Me

I had a dream just moments ago while having my regular "daily" siesta.

I dreamt, somehow, that I found myself on a cable-ride.

I was clinging on to something, a typical railing on a cable car I supposed? And it was moving along some kind of a line suspended in mid-air. I was clinging on, suspended high in the air, and this line was carrying me somewhere into the unknown – and it was getting faster and faster, pulling me along with it.

I don’t remember all the details – but I remember feeling, at the same time, so many emotions. Fear, exhilaration, excitement, uncertainty, trepidation, and intertwined and tangled up in each other.

As this thing pulling me along started getting faster and faster, I remember feeling the wind through my hair. The dizzying sensation of watching the scenery fly past into a blur, the thrill of the ride. I remember feeling afraid of falling, the fear of not knowing how much longer I could cling on.

But I was not alone. I was holding tight unto you. My hands were wrapped around yours, clinging on together. As we were being pulled along, I looked ahead. The line ahead of us plunged down into a sudden dip. Fear gripped me as we hurtled toward the steep incline, not knowing where it would take us or if we would make it.
You looked at me – and I looked at you. I could tell you felt the same way I did. But all I said was, “Are you ready?”

You could only nod. I could feel your heart racing as your pulse drowning out all other sounds.

In seconds, we plunged down – and I held on with everything I had. Our eyes tightly shut, all the breath sucked out of us. Time stood still for a few moments – and for those few moments I felt nothing – I was weightless.

And then the line pulled back up again and I opened my eyes again. I looked around me. The scenery had changed. I was still clinging on – and so were you.

~~~~~~~~~~

We’re crashing
Into the unknown
We’re lost in this
But it feels like home
-Lifehouse

McJammy ~~~~out!