Burn Out Brightly

Currently Listening To : Jackson 5 - Ben

Ever since I came back from a year long study abroad, I realize how much has changed back here. Some calls it "reverse culture shock," others simply accept the fact that life is an ever growing process in which we cannot control and muster within our grasp. Whichever way you look at it, things have changed. That bothers me, well, a little. On a random late evening. I sat back on my study chair and I thought to myself, "Is it me? Or is it my surroundings?" Well, that’s probably something I can’t justify by myself but only by others.

The most common description I get from others ever since I came back for the Summer break is that I’ve become more “eloquent” compared to what I was. Once, I even received a comment saying that he was “dazzled by my maturity.”These compliments serve as a self-esteem boaster more than anything else. But, I’ll be lying to you if I tell you that I never let it get into me. As a perfectionist, all I ever wanted to be is to be the “perfect specimen”- the best of the very best. But, will any human being on earth actually be known as “the perfect one?”

Unfortunately for me, humans aren’t perfect and we’ll keep making mistakes, but it’s so, so important to be real. At the end of the day, I can make a million mistakes and cause people to wonder if I’m on the right track or if I’m selling out or compromising my values… but as long as I can keep fighting to make the ones who matter see that I’m trying, I’m learning, I’m growing… I will. Even if it means admitting my flaws and mistakes. Even if it means being real. Because I’d rather be an imperfect, real, human being, than a perfect, but fake plastic Barbie. Literally and figuratively. And here’s the real deal – I’m reckless, I’m impulsive, I’m curious, I’m stubborn like I’ve always been. Some things don’t change. And the very things that can be my greatest downfalls I’d like to believe can also be my greatest strengths.

As an ancient proverb goes: “To everyone is given the key to heaven; the same key opens the gates of hell.” Likewise, my recklessness sometimes leads me to act without thinking but it also makes me brave and daring to choose the harder way because I know it’s the right way. My curiosity sometimes gets me in trouble but it hasn’t stopped me from hungering and grasping for truth. My impulsiveness makes me do stupid things sometimes but it keeps life interesting. My stubbornness makes me seem rebellious and proud but it’s that very stubbornness that makes me refuse to give up trying to be better even though sometimes I just want to throw in the towel.
And it’s all those things – the good and the bad – that make me who I am. I’m tired of pretending and trying to be perfect – because this side of heaven, I’ll never be. I’ll keep disappointing people but it will not be on purpose and I will keep trying to make them see that I can change and I can grow… but one thing I can never be is perfect and fake.

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes. ~William James

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Worship,” The Conduct of Life, 1860

Man is a knot into which relationships are tied. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Flight to Arras, 1942, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ~The Apostle Paul, Romans 12:2 (NIV)

The time is coming – it has, in fact, come – when what you’re called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter. It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. ~The Apostle John, John 4 (MSG)

McJammy ~~~~out!