Currently Listening To : Sara Bareilles : City

I sit here staring blankly at the screen. These thoughts swirling in my head but I can’t seem to get them to flow out of my head through my fingers and onto the screen. So much I’m bursting to say but the words just don’t come. "Don’t press the backspace button. Just keep writing." I silently tell myself. I grit my teeth and force my fingers to keep hitting the keyboard.
My dictionary is exhausted. I’ve run out of words to say. There are only feelings. Longing. Desires. Dreams of you. The words I am typing come out bland and lifeless in comparison to how I feel. What I really want to say.
I can hear them again. Those voices of reason inside my head. They try to persuade me with their reason and logic and sensibility. They whisper to me choices, options, alternatives, easier paths.
But I do not want the easy road. The easy road will never get me to you. I do not want to be logical, or practical. Because then I would never be able to say the things I want to say.
I want to tell you everything. Because nothing I say or do will shock you or faze you. Because you take me the way I am.
Fumbling for words. No make-up on (but you don’t even care) and feeling oh-so ordinary. And you call me awesome.
You take me. Mistakes. Fears. Hopes. Dreams. Secrets. Insecurities. Uncertainty. Tendency to overanalyze things. All of it.
No pretenses. No catch. You take me as I am and can you blame me, really, for wanting to give all of myself in return? But you can’t.
But “oceans of time and space” separate me from you. 8,794 miles. 19 and a half hours. A 5,500 ringgit flight ticket. Still you feel closer than the people I see on a daily basis.
A door slams. My attention is diverted. Those voices remind me of unread e-mails. New updates in my feed readers. Message alerts from my online contacts. Things on my to-do list demanding my attention. Appointments to be scheduled for the week. The clock refuses to stop ticking. I want to pull the plug. Lock my door. Turn my phone off. Turn everything off. I want to see your name pop up on my chat list. I want to to talk to you. Because that’s the closest I’ll ever get to you for a long time to come.
I want to tell you that you’re still the one that fills my thoughts. First thing in the morning when I wake up. Bleary-eyed. Semi-conscious. As I drift off to sleep at night, you’re the last thing on my mind. I think about you in the morning rush to the office, in the slow gloomy crawl back as the sun sets, in queues, during those lunch breaks I spend alone.
I want to tell you that I don’t know how it’s going to work out or how it makes any sense but I’m still holding out for you. Wishing for you. Wishing on you.
I don’t care that it doesn’t make sense. I don’t care that I don’t know all the answers. I don’t care that I don’t see how this will work out. Because as long as there still is the tiniest possibility, the slightest chance, the faintest glimmer of hope, I’m going to keep holding on. For as long as it takes.
Because it’s not everyday I come across someone who accepts me so simply and unselfishly the way I am. Because you’re worth it. Because you’ve captured my heart and I want to give everything in return. All in. 100%. Nothing less. On good days and bad days. On days when the conversation goes on and on. On days we have nothing to say to each other.
You asked me if I prefer the
reality that greets me every day when I see a beautiful sunrise or a rain shower… or the fantasy of some “impossible” future. And the truth is, as beautiful as my present can be, it’s not as beautiful as it can be when there’s someone to share it with. I don’t believe I’m holding out for an impossible future - just one that I can’t see the details of clearly yet. I don’t believe in fantasy - but I’m hoping for a reality that has you in it. To share in not only the beautiful parts but the difficult ones as well.
See this isn’t just about passion. This isn’t just about emotions. If I wanted the thrill, the excitement, I’d be looking somewhere else.
So many different paths I could take. So many choices. Alternatives. But my heart is set on just one. One that gives me something to hope for, something to work towards, something to give everything of myself into, something seemingly “impossible”, something bigger than myself, something to learn from, something to trust in, something to believe in.
Jammy